Fear and Laziness - 2007/07/01 00:06I've recently decided to go completely grace. I had enough of anxiety about my salvation, wondering whether or not I was a sincere believer or if I had enough works to prove my sincerity or even to gain God's approval through trying to create a love for God and people in myself.
It's only been a few weeks and right from the start, I've had problems. Physically and mentally. I had doubts about whether or not this decision was right at first because a few days into it, I had gotten very sick, then I broke out with a bad rash covering most of my body. I figured I was being disciplined for giving up on self effort and self improvement. But I've made up my mind not to move from grace. I figure if Jesus alone can't save me, then He is no Savior at all. I've learned grace is a very scary thing. But it's also exciting, confusing, and freeing.
So my problem is that since I've surrendered to grace, I've had a fear of reading certain parts of the Bible. Not that it doesn't preach grace, but for fear that I won't understand it and it will all sound like a load of commandments to live by, rather than grace and truth. I can't even stay consistent in washing the dishes, let alone taking up my cross.
I desperately would love to seek God out in His Word without fear everyday, but my fear makes me lazy. So I mostly listen to teachers, which makes me feel guilty because I don't go to the Word myself.
It would help a lot just to know I'm not the only one who has felt like this. Thanks for any replies. =)"No man knows how bad he is until he tries very hard to be good." - C.S. Lewis
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Ron
User Fresh Boarder
Posts: 4
Re:Fear and Laziness - 2008/04/10 10:13Hi Matthew, I know it has been a while since you have posted this, I myself have only just began reading the posts and becoming brave enough to be at least somewhat active. I know just what you are saying, it for me has only been about 4 months ago that I started really taking in the grace message for myself. I was raised pentacostal by the most part, and the fear of being "cast out", "spewn from the mouth of God", or "cut off from the vine" made me feel like there was no use, why try? So I just did what I wanted accepting my eternal destiny, which was not a good place. After many failures, many pains, and a constantly frustrated life of living for myself, I finally was able to give up and let God take over, but still only had the teaching that I had to perfect myself or be displeasing to God constantly feeling like a worm for every mistake of action or drift of thought. I had nearly returned to a state of giving up when my wife fell upon blog spot which led her into the Grace Walk website and The Grace Project. It has taken us some time, and many tears; but we are definatley growing in grace, as it were. I do still have that "lazy feeling" from old fear though, it nags me to death, convicting me, and pointing at my inefficiency (laziness) in searching out Gods word. I do try, and I know its a battle with more than just my flesh, as Paul points out in Ephesians, but its still a drag and brings me to a self negative state more than I like to admit. You my brother are certainly not alone.
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I understand what happened to you. There were moments in my walk when I believed in the "balance" theory (one foot under Law and one foot under Grace) where I was in despair and great anxiety. The Law constantly kept pointing out all my faults and I wanted so much to trust in Jesus alone, but my one foot in the Law kept nullifying my faith in Christ. I finally got so tired of the continuous condemnation that I committed myself to trusting in Jesus alone.
I would wake up grinding my teeth, never getting any sleep, quoting passages from the Gospel of John trying to assure myself of my salvation. I wouldn't give any of it back though. The Law, even if it's only part Law and part Grace, lead me to Jesus Christ in order that I might be justified by faith! At times it feels absolutely scary to stand in front of God with nothing but the cross of Jesus Christ to boast in.
Anyway...Since this post I am slowly growing past my fear of reading the Bible and learning to view scripture through the lens of the Gospel of Christ. Only through Him is the veil removed."No man knows how bad he is until he tries very hard to be good." - C.S. Lewis
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Ron
User Fresh Boarder
Posts: 4
Re:Fear and Laziness - 2008/04/16 20:07Hi Matthew, I have a posted question on this site and have also posted it on gracewalk.org in the "ask Steve McVey" forum using the name rwallace. I have received one reply but it was not quite what I was looking for. You wouldn't mind checking it out and letting me know what you think would you? I have read several of your posts on blogspot and respect the opinions of both you and Joel, there are so many people including yourself, Mr. Walsh, Mr. McVey, Joel and many others who have been unbeknown to you all, a great help and an uplifting spirit to my wife and I, and we are thankful to the Lord for you all. Thanks, Ron.
Post edited by: Ron, at: 2008/04/16 21:08
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