A few years ago I was convinced that faith belongs to the weak. As silly as that might sound now, I thought that to believe in God is a way how to avoid responsibility over one’s actions and indulge in guilt over one’s shortcomings and sins. I’ve heard left and right that God ‘punishes’ people for this and that, that this is a sin and that is wrong. However I knew, deep in my heart, that there must be another side to this, that there MUST be another end to the story. Because I knew there is something I desperately miss and can’t seem to find, and although I was lost in darkness, I felt that what I might find just can’t be bad. I’m so grateful that now, after a time of very turbulent ‘conversations’ with Him going on silently in my head, I know that He doesn’t signify judgement, shame and guilt. Ever since I realized that I can rely on Him and His encouragement and forgiveness without inhibition, I only grew stronger-and more independent, by far not the other way round. I know that I have talked about this before, but imagine!! I’m a free person now and I think that will always be a big miracle for me. The greatest gift.
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I really wish that less people were scared to show love, affection and compassion to others. I find that I miss those things a lot. I think it's sad that so many people feel insecure and threatened when someone is just genuinely interested in them and feels some kind of connection to them. It's as important to give love as to be able to accept it without fear or suspicion. I don't mean to get gloomy here...Love is a precious thing and can take many forms. Many don't see it when it's right there, in front of them. Or they don't want to see. Anyway, these days I'm opening my eyes and heart to all those who have a message for me. Even a tiny silent one. The smallest sign of love counts and can mean a lot. Love, love, love! J
This movie is one of the most important movies I have seen so far. If you haven’t seen it yet, please do. It is about hope,
love and fears a human being needs to face and overcome in order to be free. Soundtrack by Cat Stevens. It is a movie which always makes me cry at the end and lifts my spirit high! As well as it reminds me to be open-minded and drop the occassional judgements of other people I really have no right to judge. Its message is so illuminating that every time I finish watching, I just feel like I have to go out there and LIVE.
Couple of months ago I have seen a documentary about James Jones and The Peoples Temple. Apart from it being a very touching and chilling story, it has a very personal meaning for me. Before I have finally found my way to Him through Grace, I was repelled by the lack of personal space and freedom of critical thinking I felt was so obvious in different churches and groups. In retrospective, I don’t think that all the churches in the world are based on spiritual restriction of an individual but I felt like that then- I suppose that I was so confused that everything just became exaggerated. Fear really is a big enemy!
I used to be afraid that I could be vulnerable to the PT type of ‘movements’ because they can sound good, perhaps too good, especially when one is lost in the dark. The Peoples Temple members followed this man, Jim Jones, who was exceptionally persuasive to such an extent that he was publicly admired by politians for his leadership skills. Many of his followers ended up dead on the 18 th of November, 1978. He literally murdered 913 people by threatening them into taking poison. Watching this documentary, I was reminded of what it was- among other reasons- that has kept me from finding Him for so many years.
I didn’t want to be told what to think, how to talk to Him or when it is ‘appropriate’ to talk to Him. I will never forget the day I walked into a church thinking ‘Okey, guess now it’s the right time to talk to Him.’ As if I needed to arrange some kind of an appointment with Him. I even kneeled, thought that it might work better that way. All I accomplished was feeling like a really bad actress and thinking that THIS is really pathetic. It’s quite funny to remember now but then it felt like I didn’t belong anywhere and ended up more disconnected from myself than ever. So I was stuck- I didn’t want someone else to interpret Him for me but I couldn’t figure it out on my own, either. I would rather walk around for years with all my questions unanswered...
I’m so grateful for finding Grace. Many things have fallen into their place. I know He won’t get angry just because I failed in something. I know it’s okey to argue with Him. I know I don’t have to kneel and that I can talk to Him whenever and wherever- and that He will never be too busy to talk back. I know that ‘it’ isn’t about blindly following a set of rules but that it is a process of learning, rise and fall; a walk where He is being present every step of the way. I know that it is more than okey to question things. I know that to question is to grow!
I suppose that everyone have a more or less clear idea of who they are and who they want to be. One of my greatest fears is that I will stop seeing myself one day and become who I don’t want to be. I have always been interested in how other people feel and I know that it is a genuine interest coming right from my heart, with His guidance. I have seen a lot of people who are very careless towards other human beings and they tend to have a ‘good excuse’ why it is so-‘I have been hurt enough, I have to protect myself.’. I believe it shouldn’t be so but it seems it can be so very easy, just not to care. I have prayed many times not to start seeing things this simple. It has gotten much better after I became a whole person through Him but I guess that this fear of failing my expectations of who I want to be will always be there. I’m really trying to work on piercing this comfortable bubble that everybody have around them and try reflect what others have to say (about me). It’s often very hard to hear and it doesn’t have to be the truth necessarily but I see over and over again that it really helps me. Either to realise that I have come of of the Grace path, or just to get confirmed that I’m moving in the direction I want. I’m having a hard time sometimes to distinguish whether the critique I receive is justified or not, especially when it comes from a person who is very close to me.
I was really down the other day but He was there and helped me to figure the whole dilemma out. He guides me to come out of things deeply in touch with my real self and stronger.
Every time, this feeling lasts a bit longer.
Giving up control over my life to Him was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to think that it is weak, even cowardly. I guess that I felt safe-hidden behind my arrogance... Now I know that it was then, in that time of my life, that I was weaker than ever. After years and years of struggle, running and being sorry for myself, I've fallen right into his palm, completely exhausted and full of disillusion. I feared that I was 'too late for the game' but the last thing He would do is push someone away, right? I have understood the strength which comes through acceptance and humility and learnt that Grace and Love a c t u a l l y are not just words but values which (among other things) help me 'outsmart' all my old arrogant or judgemental ways...
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paul franklin
Hc07
Paul Anderson Walsh
