Couple of months ago I have seen a documentary about James Jones and The Peoples Temple. Apart from it being a very touching and chilling story, it has a very personal meaning for me. Before I have finally found my way to Him through Grace, I was repelled by the lack of personal space and freedom of critical thinking I felt was so obvious in different churches and groups. In retrospective, I don’t think that all the churches in the world are based on spiritual restriction of an individual but I felt like that then- I suppose that I was so confused that everything just became exaggerated. Fear really is a big enemy!
I used to be afraid that I could be vulnerable to the PT type of ‘movements’ because they can  sound good, perhaps too good, especially when one is lost in the dark. The Peoples Temple members followed this man, Jim Jones, who was exceptionally persuasive to such an extent that he was publicly admired by politians for his leadership skills. Many of his followers ended up dead on the 18^th of November, 1978. He literally murdered 913 people by threatening them into taking poison. Watching this documentary, I was reminded of what it was- among other reasons- that has kept me from finding Him for so many years.
I didn’t want to be told what to think, how to talk to Him or when it is ‘appropriate’ to talk to Him. I will never forget the day I walked into a church thinking ‘Okey, guess now it’s the right time to talk to Him.’ As if I needed to arrange some kind of an appointment with Him. I even kneeled, thought that it might work better that way. All I accomplished was feeling like a really bad actress and thinking that THIS is really pathetic. It’s quite funny to remember now but then it felt like I didn’t belong anywhere and ended up more disconnected from myself than ever. So I was stuck- I didn’t want someone else to interpret Him for me but I couldn’t figure it out on my own, either. I would rather walk around for years with all my questions unanswered...
I’m so grateful for finding Grace. Many things have fallen into their place. I know He won’t get angry just because I failed in something. I know it’s okey to argue with Him. I know I don’t have to kneel and that I can talk to Him whenever and wherever- and that He will never be too busy to talk back. I know that ‘it’ isn’t about blindly following a set of rules but that it is a process of learning, rise and fall; a walk where He is being present every step of the way. I know that it is more than okey to question things. I know that to question is to grow!

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