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Jun
27
2008
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Post cards from the edge..... |
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Written by James Sparrow
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Friday, 27 June 2008 |
Coming face to face with the truth is painful. For when confronted with the truth of ones own situation there is no real place to hide.
How the hell did I end up here?
How could I have been so stupid to think that I could ever succeed my way to the top?
This week has been the most sobering, humbling and all together most painful exposure of my short comings to date. I gotta say this really is horrible!
Wretched man that I am, Who can set me free from this body of death?
Every other blog I have sat down to write has always been written with the underlying intention to make a vain display of my abilities. I love to use long and complicated words and baffle people with cleverly strung together semantics and rhetoric. However, I now find myself in uncharted territory. For all the intelligence, all the talent, all the ability don't mount up to a hill of beans when we're faced with the truth. So to coin the Roman:
'what is the truth'?
The truth is I'm weak, and so in need of a savior it aint even funny! I'm lonely, in pain and stricken with a pride issue so big you can see snow on the peak. I suffer from the sycophantic need to try and impress my peers. I don't have the ability to handle rejection. I hate myself, choosing as I do to create situations where the inevitable result will be rejection, which in turn reaffirms my own feelings of self loathing fulfilling the prophecy lol. I'm plain messed up!
I'm the biggest charlatan on the face of the planet. I preach grace, the acceptance of God, the saving life of Christ, and yet I live in a state of perpetual bondage. I'm a total fraud! Jesus I'm Your's save me!
I'm tired! I'm tired of this performance! I've got nothing left to give, I'm sick and tired of trying to impress people, thinking in some way that public affirmation will make up for the private hell I'm living in. I'm tired of limping around.
I know in Whom I have believed.
Jesus.....my Life, my Love, my Everything please help me! I need You , I cant do this anymore . I 'm so sorry! I'm not making a declaration to live better for you, to live in a more acceptable way. I'm asking you to do what I cannot. I'm finished. There is no way my brains or my abilities are gonna take me through this! The pain of trying has become too great, I cannot continue, if You don't do this no one will. I'm so broken, so desperate, so altogether alone besides you.
Father thank you. Thank you that You so loved the world that You sent Your only Son.
Who can set me free from this body of death? Praise be to Jesus Christ our Lord...
agape <><
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paul franklin
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